Teaching Children About Disabilities and Inclusion
I was thinking today about physical handicaps and how I “deal” with the “issue” with my children.
I can’t really remember a time when Jojo has made a seemingly inappropriate comment about a disabled person. I seem to remember him being really jealous of someone in a cool wheel chair one day when we were out and about.
I also remember holding him at about six months of age as he made sweet, playful smiles to a beggar near an ATM machine who didn’t have any hands. His face looked like it had been burned. It warmed my heart to see him reacting so enthusiastically to such an unusual looking face.
Recently some friends adopted a baby who was born with one arm. They adopted him as a newborn, and actually had no idea that he was going to be born disabled.
They had no time to mentally “prepare”, whatever that might have involved.
This adoption took place overseas.
This was their e-mail to friends and family about the birth (edited):
The C-section was preformed at around 10:30, and at eleven, our precious baby boy was brought through the swinging doors. Our joy turned to fear as we heard the nurses say there was a “little problem” and explain it to the grandmother in another room. After ten minutes of waiting we found out what the “little problem” was. Our new son was missing his right arm past the elbow.
Our hearts dropped through the floor when we heard the news.
We were shocked, scared, and even had thoughts of running away.
In that second we saw all of the pain, rejection, and hardship this little boy is going to face and knew that his pain would also fall on those who loved him…
Or worse, we saw a precious little boy abandoned in the hospital and left to die.
This boy’s life is going to happen whether or not we are a part of it. How could we give up the opportunity to be this beautiful boy’s parents?
I don’t want you to think that we are amazing people who never had a doubt about what to do. Somehow I feel that most “righteous” people are like us, sinners given special grace for that moment to make the right choice.
Don’t be afraid to grieve with us over Jonathan. As much as we are rejoicing over his life, we are mourning the troubles he will face because of his disability. But the longer we hold him and love on him, the more we see his possibilities instead of his disadvantages.
We took Jojo with us to meet Johnny when he was just one day old. He didn’t notice the missing arm that day, but he was enthralled with the baby.
When he did say something about the arm on a later visit, it was out of curiosity. Johnny’s parents told Jojo that it was his “special little arm”, like in the movie Finding Nemo.
Jojo, at age 4 1/2, is completely unphased.
I think as we continue to interact with Johnny and his family on a weekly basis and our children grow up together, his disability will be easily accepted by my kids.
My philosophy on topics that can become issues in a family, such as race or any kind of diversity, is to not ignore the elephant in the room.
When Jojo has a question, I answer it as best I can. I don’t “shush” him. I don’t hiss, “Don’t say that!”
As a preschooler, his questions aren’t yet deep. Where is Johnny’s arm?
Some people come out of their mama’s tummy with one arm, and not two.
Being close with this family has granted me access into this world of parenting a child of disabilities.
I have been in public with them and heard whispers of, “Look at his arm! Look at his arm!”
I have been with them as they fielded insensitive questions.
I have listened to them vent when well meaning people offer trite responses to questions that remain unanswered.
In looking for advice in how to encourage their disabled child, in how to raise him in the best physical and emotionally supportive way, people have told them to, “Just treat him like you would any other child!”.
But “any other child” won’t deal with school yard taunts and passing remarks by total strangers. Johnny will need emotional support to protect his self image.
Also tiresome is the “differently-abled” mantra, they say, because Johnny is indeed disabled. There are some things he will never be able to do having one arm instead of two.
Read more about Johnny’s adoption here.
CVS All Kids Can, a program of the CVS Caremark Charitable Trust and supported by CVS Caremark, is a five-year, $25 million commitment to making life easier for children with disabilities. Through this signature program, CVS Caremark and the Trust will support nonprofit organizations that provide innovative programs and services in local communities focused on helping children with disabilities learn, play and succeed in life. The goals of CVS All Kids Can are to raise awareness in schools and in local communities about the importance of inclusion; build barrier-free playgrounds so children of all abilities can play side-by-side; and provide medical rehabilitation and related services to children with disabilities
Many children in developing nations are born disabled or become disabled through accidents (some times involving UXO, unexploded ordinance left over from the Vietnam conflict). COPE is one such group that helps children in this position, who other wise would simply live without the wheel chair or prothestic limb they need to function in society.
Raising awareness about disabilities does not have to be an insurmountable task.
All it will take is one friendship with a disabled individual to change your child’s entire perspective.
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24 March 2009, 4:07 pm
Exactly!
Inspiring quote for disabilities:
Success- ” its just about working against constraints”
24 March 2009, 4:09 pm
Some times we need to just cut through the “PC” junk and talk about what is really going on. Preach it, sister!
24 March 2009, 4:09 pm
The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.
Francis Maitland Balfour
24 March 2009, 4:30 pm
Your friends are so beautiful and real to share their feelings so openly.
24 March 2009, 4:57 pm
I have a special needs cousin. He is maybe 20 years older than I am.
24 March 2009, 7:50 pm
Your son and Johnny will grow to be remarkable friends and he will learn copping skills that he otherwise would not.
Debo Hobos last blog post..Brunch With Smart Diners At the Dragon Fly Restaurant, ZaZa Hotel
24 March 2009, 8:46 pm
Beautifully written as always. My dad had a very noticeable disability and because of it, I grew up as a much more sensitive person and it carries on to my own children. Without actually writing a book in your comment section, I’ll just say that in some ways, it has been a blessing.
24 March 2009, 10:40 pm
This was a particularly compelling post. Thanks for not ignoring the elephant in the room…
25 March 2009, 12:54 am
First of all, wow! Jonathan is so big! I can’t believe how much he’s grown, and he’s so cute and “filled out” now. I constantly amazed at how quickly babies grown.
Although I didn’t grow up with her, my husband’s sister has Downs Syndrome and I know that he and his brother protected her a lot when growing up. But from what’s he’s said, surprisingly, kids in her school were very accepting of her. I hope that Jonathan makes friends with the kids his age in his neighborhood and they just grow up with him not thinking that there’s anything “wrong” with him. He’s just Jonathan!
25 March 2009, 1:09 am
What a beautiful post. It’s wonderful that your son handles other people’s handicaps so well. My nephew was born with one arm and his left arm ends just below his elbow. He doesn’t use a prosthesis and is very active in sports. It is amazing how he is able to adjust with just one and a half an arm. I enjoyed reading this article!
25 March 2009, 4:45 am
As a parent of a child with a disability…I really enjoyed your post…Very well said!
25 March 2009, 5:15 am
Good thoughts. I think as Americans we tend to cope with disabilities by not talking about them, as if the disabled person doesn’t want to hear anymore about it. But by ignoring the problem we often provoke more anger or sadness than by caring about the person and being a part of their lives.
25 March 2009, 5:44 am
I agree. it is only taboo if you make it taboo.
25 March 2009, 10:19 am
I am in a wheelchair at times due to my MS and I welcome kids curiosity- how else are they going to learn not to be scared…what I don’t agree with is parents that are embarassed that their child is curious. From a young age I had my kids exposed to the elderly, homeless, etc through volunteer opportunities and now that the tables are turned I am so thankful that they have a respect for those that are different. But that is only because they were taught that! great post!
25 March 2009, 10:32 am
Johnny is so beautiful,it’s difficult to understand why anyone would think otherwise. But you’re absolutely right,ignoring ‘the elephant in the room’ won’t make the hardship retreat. Not for him,not for his new family. Thank goodness he has a mommy and daddy to make him feel as perfect as he really is.
25 March 2009, 12:51 pm
Thanks for sharing this. Just the other day Gracie noticed someone in a wheelchair and asked a very basic question. It is so important to address their questions and not just hush them, like you said.
25 March 2009, 1:23 pm
Candice, you totally made me tear up. I don’t know if you remember that my sister was handicapped, so this article touched me in particular. I’m so glad that Jojo is good with disabled people, and thank you for teaching him that it’s O.K. to ask questions! ::hugs::
25 March 2009, 2:30 pm
What a great story! I agree that a childs questions should not be ignored or shushed, a simple positive explanation does so much more to teach our children acceptance of differences.
25 March 2009, 5:48 pm
Children take their cues from adults. If they sense that you are uncomfortable talking about disabled people, they will think it is bad. Treat it as a normal topic and they will too!
25 March 2009, 6:09 pm
Melissa, that is great to hear that you are open to kids approaching you in your wheelchair. Do you ever give out rides? I think my son would be interested, srsly.
25 March 2009, 6:10 pm
Aubrey: your comment is so sweet I wanted to cry when I read it! What a beautiful person!
Meredith: I do remember you talking about your sweet sister Elizabeth and I always admired your obvious love for her.
25 March 2009, 6:16 pm
My philosophy too…ignoring the elephant in the room does not benefit anyone.
Thank you for this very touching post.
25 March 2009, 6:23 pm
i love this post!!!! and that little precious bean is awesome!
25 March 2009, 6:24 pm
Thank you for sharing Johnny’s story. I’m so glad his parents decided to stick with him and give him a home. It is a beautiful story and shows all of us that although some have more monumental things to overcome in life, we are all have value and personalities and love.
25 March 2009, 6:25 pm
Terrific sentiment and so well said. What a great post!
25 March 2009, 6:43 pm
Great post. One of the reasons I love traveling with my daughter so much is so that she is exposed to many cultures/people etc - I want her to grow with an open view of the world and this includes disability.
I think our children learn from our reactions to disability and I think Melissa made a great point about welcoming children’s curiosity. A friend’s young daughter said to her “mummy, why is that person in a wheelchair” and the friend said “I don’t know, why don’t you go and ask.” And so she did and the lady in the wheelchair was more than happy to explain. We should not fear disability or other cultures, but instead we should show our children how to embrace a world that is filled with differences.
On a last note I was recently outraged by an incident in the UK. There has been a big debate going on regarding a Cbeebies children’s presenter who has one arm. There were untold complaints sent to the tv station from parents complaining that their children had been traumatised by the presenter. This sadly indicates the number of adults raising their children to think that disability is not something to be talked about and embraced.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1152466/One-armed-presenter-scaring-children-parents-tell-BBC.html
Thought-provoking and interesting post! Thank you!
Living the Rural Dreams last blog post..My First Blog Award!
25 March 2009, 6:51 pm
I did hear about that children’s show host! I told my friends about her being the host, but not about the ridiculous “controversy” about her scaring children.
26 March 2009, 3:25 am
Such a touching post
When dealing with issues such as this with my children, wiether it be disability or race or what have you, I also tell my kids not everyone is born the same, and we need to accept everyone for who they are not who we think they should be.
Kim~CraftyMamaof4s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday ~ SXSW
26 March 2009, 6:14 am
Children are nothing if not accepting. They aren’t hard wired to judge or ridicule. It’s the close minded adults raising our beautiful kids who teach them to hurt instead of accept. Nice post. The elephant needs to be addressed. If only for the sake of those influencing the next generation.
26 March 2009, 1:42 pm
The TV host controversy is ridiculous. How could someone with one arm traumatize kids. I would like to know what other TV shows those children are allowed to watch. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that many are allowed to watch the new style of cartoons that are filled with graphic violence that is made to look fun.
26 March 2009, 2:49 pm
Wonder post, beautiful baby and of course well written! My brother is blind. My parents did raise him as though he was not disabled. They let him do everything, hich I imagine was rather stressful for them. I would take my brother skiing, he had a good frined how did not care he was handicapped and they went everywhere together and taught my brother to ride a bike, he was my brother’s eyes. Was it easy, no, especially back then. I think it helped he had a support network, even if it was small. He was also encourage to try whatever he wanted, never told he could not do something. He is now married to a wonderful woman and the daddy to two beautiful children. My brother’s wish came true, his children are not blind. His blindness is genetic and he was so worried. Now I am just rambling, my point? My prayers are with this family. My they be able to learn to not listen to cruel comments and to let their child realise he can do anything he wants.
Jennifers last blog post..Writer’s Workshop & Contest
26 March 2009, 7:47 pm
Loved this post.
My daughter was born with a hemangioma on her face. I don’t see it anymore-it’s just a part of her. Actually, when I see children WITHOUT a hemangioma, it looks strange to me for a moment! My daughter is smart, funny, and the cutest baby ever, but people stare. I forget that people ARE going to stare, and she is still too young to know that they are talking about her-one person actually told us it was a SHAME because she is so pretty. Mean people. Anyway, I want to protect her, but I know she will have to deal with this-kids are curious, and I love it when the mom’s tell their kids that it’s angel kisses or something like that-it’s compassionate, and we need more compassionate people in the world! Kudos to Johnny’s parents!
21 May 2009, 7:15 am
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