Seeing Red

CanCan, 20 February 2008,
Categories: Jojo

I have been in great need of patience lately.
Anybody know where I can get some?
I am trying a new thing with Jojo…that is to use a “spanking spoon”. I hope no one finds my blog by googling that phrase.
Anyway I have only used it twice in the past several days. Today I just tried to use it as threat, but when I said, “Do I need to spank you?” He replied, “Yes,” in a very sad voice.
The thing he is being punished for most frequently and consistently is HIS IRRESISTABLE URGE TO TOUCH AND HIT BABIES ON THE HEAD.
I thought it was just our own personal baby, and I have told him from DAY ONE not to touch, poke, hit, slap, rub, or squeeze the baby’s head. He has done all of the above MANY MANY times. He has been placed in time out, spanked, lectured, deprived, yelled at, reasoned with, all to no avail.
The first use of the spanking spoon was due to a very willful defiance. I put the baby on the floor, because believe it or not, sometimes I DO have to use the bathroom. I told Jojo that I was going to the bathroom (about 3 feet away from where the baby was laying, but around a corner). I told him to make sure Deaky was safe ( I thought maybe if I gave him a responsibility my chances of success would be higher). I went around the corner and for no reason took a quick peek back at the baby, just in time to see Jojo slapping his head. I have no idea why the head thing is such an issue for him. He doesn’t even hit him hard enough to make him cry, it is more like a test to see what I will do in response. So that time I took him in to the bedroom and told him I had to spank him and explained everything blahbitty blah and went and got the spoon and told him he was getting two swats. It seemed to appear more serious than usual to him since now I have “the spoon” the discipline can be more of an event rather than just me snatching him up and swatting him two times. I also thought it was good that I had to walk to the kitchen and get the spoon, as it gave me some time to think about what to say and do and not respond in an angry way, while he sat in the bedroom and thought about what was happening and why.
But today I really blew it with letting my anger show. This was an event not related to spanking. I was loading both boys into the car and had placed the baby seat on the sidewalk while I opened the car door. In those two seconds, Jojo is poking the baby in the head. We had JUST addressed this because we were leaving a friend’s house where he had poked THEIR baby in the head while it was playing in the exersaucer. So this time I really got angry and started yelling at him and telling him off. I was SO SO mad. I put him in the car and started giving him this lecture about how when you do bad things, bad things will happen to you. I just can’t let it go, we are driving along and I am chewing him out and he is crying. I’m ashamed that I yelled at him but I’m really sick over him not giving up this stupid obviously bad behavior. How does he even derive any satisfaction out of poking a baby’s head? It’s not like I am punishing him for going down a slide or kicking a ball or eating candy…I am just trying to protect any and all babies we might meet! He doesn’t always cry when I spank him, but he is prone to cry when I yell at him. However I don’t think the yelling really accomplishes anything other than probably scaring him.
We do time-outs but to me this head poking thing is a serious issue because HE KNOWS I HAVE TOLD HIM NOT TO, but he chooses to CONTINUALLY defy me. I feel like, other than being dangerous for the baby victim, it is also symbolic of pretty much every parental instruction I will ever give him. Will he obey? Or not? I have to teach him that there is no question…If i say it, he should do it. I feel a sense of urgency about accomplishing this.
I hate myself for not knowing what to do. I am disappointed in myself for losing control over something a preschooler does. I am a bad parent. I am a hopeless person.

Tag…a Meme »

Comments

4 Responses, Leave a Reply

1 Anonymous
20 February 2008, 1:31 pm

Well, first, this doesn’t make you a bad parent and shouldn’t make you hopeless….get a grip girl!

Yes it is reason for concern but not all that unusual…and your reactions are not unusual either. Sounds like JoJo is jealous and wants your one-on-one attention any way he can get it.
I believe you may get some comfort and suggestions from this message board, please take note of the one that emphasizes the Eye Contact and leaning down to his level to do it. MAKE him look you in the eye while you tell him that is bad behavior and will not be allowed….calm and very firm voice… he won’t get the adrenaline rush he gets when you yell at him. And try to keep it relatively short and to the point.

And for Heaven’s sake…IGNORE the one that says slap him in the face!
Good grief!
You want him to know you’re IN control, not that you’re OUT of control.

http://www.ppqna.com/toddler-preschooler/2088-1-ppqna.html
2 Megan (FriedOkra)
20 February 2008, 1:43 pm

NO YOU ARE NOT. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND A WONDERFUL MOTHER.

It sounds as if Jojo is doing it purposefully to get a reaction from you. (And who knows, maybe the baby, too?) It’s fun to find Mom’s hotbutton.

You’ll figure it out, Mama.
3 Jenn
23 February 2008, 5:29 am

Oh Candace! You know you aren’t really a bad mother - right? I can understand your frustration over this. I assure you, it is his AGE more than anything. The bigger the reaction (I have found) with a kid that age, the higher the chance they will repeat the behavior - regardless of whether the reaction is negative or positive. He just sees it as attention, attention that he is getting solely for himself and in that moment he isn’t sharing you with anyone. Does it seem like he usually acts out that way whenever someone else (most likely the baby he goes after) is getting “all” the attention? Just a thought. I would say just stick to one form of discipline, whatever seems to work best with Jonas, and follow through EVERY time. Sounds like he’s been told enough that he doesn’t need warnings for that particular offense anymore. Of course, you are his Mama an dyou have to trust yourself. You know what’s best. *hugs* to you!
4 jojoebi
24 February 2008, 11:19 pm

if BabyEbi plays up he goes in the ‘genkan’ (entrance way to the house) for a couple of minutes, like the naughty step. He doesn’t like it because I shut the door on him, he is in there 30 secs to a minute or so, when he comes out he says sorry and has to say why he is sorry, so that I know he understands why he was put in there in the first place. This works for us but all kids are different! Good luck.
BTW I tagged you, pop over to my pad and have a look
http://jojoebi.blogspot.com/2008/02/four-things.html